150 - From Self-Blame to Self-Discovery

Could recognizing stress, perfectionism, and a relentless work ethic have unknowingly contributed to my journey with Long Covid? This episode, inspired by a listener's question, takes you through my personal exploration of self-blame and recovery, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging lifestyle factors that play into our health. We'll uncover the value of therapy in recognizing these patterns and how Maya Angelou's wisdom guided me: "Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better." By understanding and unlearning pre-illness habits, we open up pathways to resilience and growth.

Join us in celebrating the transformative power of self-compassion and authenticity as we reach our 150th episode milestone. We reflect on the essence of gratitude and its role in focusing on what truly matters—health, joy, and connection. Inspired by the Taoist concept of the first and second arrow, we explore our reactions to life's challenges and how they shape our journey. As we celebrate this milestone, I express my gratitude for your continued support and share a peek into my holiday plans. Let's embrace the journey of unbecoming what isn't truly us and allowing our authentic selves to shine.


November breathing courses open for booking here 

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Self-Blame and Recovery
• 9:05 Journey to Self-Compassion and Authenticity
• 14:09 Gratitude and Celebration for Episode 150

Transcript

Jackie Baxter: 0:56

Hello and welcome to this episode of the Long Covid Podcast. So I received a message through the fan mail function recently and I was going to do what I normally do and answer it on my YouTube, but then I thought it might be useful to be the basis of a short episode. So I don't think I can give any advice, because not only is it not my place, but also everyone's journeys will be different, but I can talk about my own experience, which might be helpful. So the question was

Jackie Baxter: 1:32

"hi, jackie, I just listened to your episode with Dan Neuffer. I heard you mention that a big piece of recovery for you was identifying what you were doing before becoming unwell that contributed, while also not blaming yourself. I can really relate, as I was also very stressed, perfectionistic, overworking and over exercising prior to having COVID. My question is can you speak to how you did this? How did you work through the self blame if you had any and come to an embodied understanding that it wasn't your fault?"

Jackie Baxter: 2:04

So this is a really interesting question. I'm not saying that I deserve Blunk COVID because I didn't. I'm not blaming myself for getting sick either, because it's not my fault. However, my understanding that some of the patterns I had before getting unwell did or may have contributed to becoming unwell, not making a good recovery and then prolonging that recovery.

Jackie Baxter: 2:34

So for me, some of those things were being very stressed. I wouldn't have thought I was stressed five years ago. But as Jenny Adams so eloquently put it in a recent episode, if you put a frog into boiling water, it jumps out, but if you put it into cold water and heat it up, it doesn't notice and it's too late until it's too late. And that's kind of how I see my run up to becoming unwell late. And that's kind of how I see my run-up to becoming unwell. So then, covid itself was kind of, you know, a match to the gasoline, so to speak.

Jackie Baxter: 3:11

I was also a perfectionist, always pushing myself to do more and better, then more and better. I couldn't say no to anyone or anything. I was a yes person. If you needed it done, give it to Jackie. I also pushed through everything work, illnesses. Prior to Covid, exercise, rest was for the weak. Sitting back and stopping even for a moment wasn't something that I really even knew about, and if I did, I would have dismissed it. I was superwoman in some ways.

Jackie Baxter: 3:43

Now, this is the thing. If I'd known that being like this would contribute to me getting really sick for a long time, would I have done it? No, of course not. If I had known I was putting my health at risk, of course I would have made some changes. Would I have made enough changes? Who knows? Maybe something like this would have happened eventually anyway, who knows? I think sometimes we have to go through an experience to understand why change is required. I wish that wasn't true, and it may not be true for everybody, but I think it possibly was. For me, covid was the trigger, the straw that broke the camel's back and, for clarity, the camel was me and the back was effectively my body, shutting down and saying enough, I cannot take anymore.

Jackie Baxter: 4:40

So back to the question of how do you work through this, I think to start with identifying those patterns or lifestyle factors. Perfectionism and people pleasing are very common, but may not apply to everybody. Some of us have a drive to be doing things right now Actually I have that one too Lots of traits that are unhelpful, or certainly are unhelpful if they take over our lives, which they can do if they aren't balanced out with others.

Jackie Baxter: 5:13

So do you have things in your life that contribute to your stress. Can you reduce that? It might be your job, your home life, your activities. Some things we have control over, some we might not, but everything we improve in our lives will help. And I think you know many of these traits and patterns. In fact, maybe most of them, as I'm starting to understand, go back to our childhood. We didn't deliberately have these things. Often it's our body trying to protect us in some way. Emphasis on trying.

Jackie Baxter: 5:48

For me, it's been a really interesting journey. I know myself much better than I did before and I think that's a good thing, certainly for me. I found working with the therapist was very helpful. She was able to guide me, question me, dig into things I maybe didn't really want to dig into but really needed to. I'd really recommend that, if it's something available, available to you. I don't expect she's listening, but I want to give her a big shout out anyway because she's been amazing and I think you know kind of like everything.

Jackie Baxter: 6:23

Self-awareness is always the first step, whether it's working with traits, drivers, patterns, your breath, your nutrition or anything else. Be aware of what's going on in your body, in your mind, in your nervous system, what's showing up, what does your body need Is what you are doing helpful for your body and your recovery? And you know, noticing where you feel it as well, feeling that. nd

Jackie Baxter: 6:56

And then understanding. It's not your fault. It's not your fault . and

Jackie Baxter: 7:04

And actually the reason why new you, when new you emerges, is going to be better and more resilient. Because you understand and you know yourself better. You recognize yourself slipping into these patterns if you do. I'm still working through some of my perfectionism, for sure, but I notice it now when it kicks in and I keep trying to challenge myself. I think I've put this out on my socials loads of times and I maybe need to do it more.

Jackie Baxter: 7:36

There's this beautiful quote by Maya Angelou that says "do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.

Jackie Baxter: 7:48

And I think this really hits the nail on the head. Before we got sick, we didn't know better, and I think this really hits the nail on the head. Before we got sick, we didn't know better, so we did what we did. Now we do know better, so we do better.

Jackie Baxter: 8:09

I also think the advice of what would you say to a friend or a loved one in this situation can be really helpful as well. So if a friend or loved one was blaming themselves for something, what would you say to them? Would we say, oh, you're such an idiot. You brought this upon yourself. You know you deserve this. It's all your fault. Now, of course, you wouldn't say that, or if you did, you wouldn't be a very good friend. You'd say something along the lines of wanting to support them, help them, be kind and empathetic to them, help them to do better now they know better. Support them. What can you do to help?

Jackie Baxter: 8:43

So I think we need to offer the same kindness and compassion to ourselves, and that is not something that we can be good at. Certainly I'm rubbish at it. The things I say to myself, the things I would never ever say to somebody else, um, and I have to keep catching myself as I do that you know you didn't want this. You didn't deserve it. Some of the things you did may have contributed, but there's no use in blame.

Jackie Baxter: 9:13

Meet blame with compassion.

Jackie Baxter: 9:15

and there's a couple of quotes I found recently that might also be helpful. So the first one is"the the secret to getting unstuck is radically accepting where you're at now with grace. Let go of expecting perfectionism from yourself. You won't always be your most productive, make the decisions or get it right. A little self-compassion will take you a long way,

Jackie Baxter: 9:40

And I think anything this is so key. know. -

Jackie Baxter: 9:44

We talk about accepting accepting where you are now, accepting what's happened in the past, because we - "sending change the past. The past has happened, it's done. But we can accept where we are now and do better, moving forward. And then this is other quote which I've slightly tweaked to make it more appropriate for

Jackie Baxter: 10:06

the situation sending love to anyone, reckoning with their own patterns, traits and history and trying their best to unlearn them. You are seen, you are brave and with a little bit of discipline, you are going to make it. And I think I think there's something here, because I think. it

Jackie Baxter: 10:26

And does take great discipline and great courage to confront what is inside of us, some of these things which we may feel make up

Jackie Baxter: 10:38

some of our identity. And for some of us, I think it can be the hardest battle and it is a journey, a process, takes time, but with persistence and maybe a little bit of help, it is totally possible.

Jackie Baxter: 10:54

There are times where I'll say something, or even someone else will say something along the lines of well, this happened because of the way that I was acting before and I just need to gently remind myself or them. But that just isn't true. It's not true. There are other people that may have had a similar lifestyle and didn't get long COVID and even if it is true, it's not my fault and through that kind of repetition over time I let go of any of that blame that creeps in. I think one of the silver linings of an experience like this is that we're able to remake ourselves, and I appreciate that I'm saying this from the perspective of having come out the other end. But this new and better version of us. We didn't want this experience, we didn't ask for it, we didn't deserve it, but we can make the best of it.

Jackie Baxter: 11:57

I love this idea of um I think it's from taoism of the first and the second arrow. I heard about this a while ago and I was reminded of it last week and it was particularly poignant given the uh nerve issues I can't have in my leg and it's driving me nuts. This first arrow the insult to our bodies. We can't do anything about that because it's already happened. The second arrow our reaction to it, that we do have power over what do you do as a result of that first hour.

Jackie Baxter: 12:40

So for me, it's taking some responsibility and accepting that. And using that information to be better from now on that respect for my body that I learned by finding out what happened when I didn't respect my body, the appreciation for health, the gratitude for the smallest things and embracing what is important in life health, joy, connection, nature for me anyway, and letting go of things that aren't. New

Jackie Baxter: 13:12

me is better than old me. I'm not perfect, because nothing is, but I am more authentically me than I ever have been, and that has to be a good thing. And

Jackie Baxter: 13:26

I think, finally, a quote which actually the wonderful Susie Suzy Bolt posted recently and I loved it, but the original quote is by a Brazilian writer called Paulo Coelho and it goes like this maybe- "maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place. That

Jackie Baxter: 13:57

authenticity, doing what we were meant to be, doing, what makes your heart sing. I think I'm finally on the way to finding mine.

Jackie Baxter: 14:10

So I'd love to take this opportunity to thank everyone who sends me a message, either via the fan mail function in the show notes, via dm, by email, through the website or as a comment on social media. It's so lovely to hear from people. I do usually try to reply, but especially recently it has been hard to keep up. So please know that I really appreciate every message and I will get back to you eventually. And if I don't, you have permission to pester me.

Jackie Baxter: 14:42

I also want to celebrate episode 150 of the podcast whoop pat on the head for me. Um, noble service will be resumed next week with another wonderful guest. I'm on holiday this week, so, as this airs, I'll most likely be. I mean, to be honest, I'll most likely be hiding away from the wind and the rain and the van. But if I'm more hopeful, then I might be enjoying a beach, cycling out, walking or drinking hot chocolate. So here's hoping that technology and its wonderful automations all work.

Jackie Baxter: 15:18

And yes, if you do have questions for me, I can't promise to have anything useful to say, but you can guarantee that I'll always have something to say.