183 - Strength in Vulnerability: Theresa's Recovery Story

In this episode, Jackie is joined by Theresa Aristarco who shares her Long Covid recovery story. 

• Theresa's journey from an active software engineer to battling long-haul COVID
• Navigating complex medical challenges and invisible symptoms
• The critical role of mental health in recovery
• Overcoming vestibular issues and physical limitations
• Finding hope and healing through physical therapy, medication, and support

Episode Themes:

• Long COVID recovery
• Mental health and healing
• The importance of community and vulnerability
• Non-linear recovery process

Memorable Quotes:

• "I was never going to get better alone"
• "Progress isn't linear, recovery isn't linear"
• "I'm only recently starting to say I'm not sick anymore"

Links:

• Theresa's website: theresaaristarco.com
• LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/theresaaristarco
• Substack: theresaaristarco.substack.com

For more information about Long Covid Breathing courses & workshops, please check out LongCovidBreathing.com

(music credit - Brock Hewitt, Rule of Life)

Transcript

Jackie Baxter  
Hello and well, I am delighted to be joined today by Theresa Aristarco, who is here to share her recovery story. So we're going to dive in to her journey, what worked, what didn't, what life looks like now, all of the usual stuff. So yeah, I'm super excited. It's lovely to meet you, Theresa. Thank you so much for being

Theresa Aristarco  
here today. Nice to meet you, too, Jackie, I'm really excited to be here.

Jackie Baxter  
Amazing. So before we get into the sort of nitty gritty, can you just say a little bit about yourself and maybe what life was like before you got sick?

Theresa Aristarco  
So I spent my 20s living in San Francisco. I was working as a software engineer. I would say I led pretty active in social life. I would commute by walking to and from work every day after work, I would usually hit the gym, maybe go for a run. I ran a few half marathons during that period of my time. Really enjoyed running. After my sort of love for running faded, I got into yoga, and so I was in a yoga studio in my neighborhood a couple of times a week, and when the pandemic began, all of that really came to a screeching halt. My then boyfriend and now husband and I were living together in a small, one bedroom apartment, and of course, we were no longer commuting into an office. We were working from home. I wasn't going to a gym or to a yoga studio. I continued to practice yoga a little bit at home. Took walks in my neighborhood, but a lot of my physicality, physical movement, exercise and activity really stalled, if not like sort of completely fell off because of the restrictions we're all living within. After about six months of living in San Francisco during the pandemic, my again, then boyfriend, now husband and I decided to move. Felt like our time in San Francisco was over, and moved up to Seattle, where we live now. We had a community of friends who we knew welcome us in Seattle, and we had visited over time, and knew we liked the city. We liked the proximity of the city to nature, and so picked up, moved up to Seattle, and in Seattle, I would say, started to spend more time outside as covid restrictions started to ease up, some of what I would call like normal life sort of came back. The first time I got covid was in early 2021 and both my then boyfriend and I were sick at the same time. We were sick for maybe one or two weeks, and it took us a couple of weeks to recover, and I remember feeling like shortness of breath, just some like sluggishness fatigue, but really did make a full recovery. The second time I got covid was in February of 2023, and so this was the infection that I have had long haul covid symptoms from, or I should say, have had long covid symptoms from, as I am proud to say, I'm fully recovered now. So my life went, I would say, from relatively active, social to very inaccessible because of that covid infection. I initially had a very raw, very sore throat. I thought it was strep throat at first. If you've ever had strep throat, you know that really raw, specific feeling.

Jackie Baxter  
It's horrible, really, absolutely horrible.

Jackie Baxter  
And it felt so similar to strep throat that I went to the doctor and I got both a strep test and a PCR covid test. And at this point I was testing negative on at home covid tests, and so it's in the doctor's office, and the rapid strep test came back positive. And so I thought, Oh, I have strep throat, and was sent home with antibiotics, which I began. And after about 48 hours on antibiotics, I was not getting better, which is normally what happens when you have strep throat and you get antibiotics. I was actually getting a lot worse, and my symptoms were, I would say, in some ways, similar to the first time I got covid, that raw, sore throat, body aches, fever, fatigue, but the second time, in 2023 I also had really specific, very localized pain to my legs, like my quad muscles, specifically, every time I became feverish, my leg muscles, like throbbed in pain. It was a very unusual, very specific, very localized i. Uh, pain that I had never had before. And after about 48 hours heading towards 72 hours of antibiotics not making me better, I started to question like, do I have strep throat? Because this just isn't matching previous experiences that I've had, and I'm in so much pain like this, pain is to the point where, like, an ibuprofen isn't touching the pain. I can't sleep. I'm really just sitting with the pain. So I got back in touch with my primary care doctor, who at that point had the test results from my PCR covid test as well as the lab strep test. And what was or wasn't surprising was the covid PCR test, which took three or four days to get results, was positive, which meant I did have covid At that point, three or four days after my first symptom, I was testing positive on at home tests. And what was interesting was the strep test that was sent away to the lab came back negative. And so my doctor said, stop taking the antibiotics. There's not, you know, a strep infection that we're trying to fight. There is no danger for you to stop taking the antibiotics. This isn't helping, and you have covid, and I was just at the point of the infection where I couldn't take paxlovid, and so that was something I thought quite a lot about in the months afterwards. What might have happened if I didn't ever get a strep test. Did the antibiotics I took for two or three days make me worse? Did somehow that have something to do with this really specific, really painful week.

Unknown Speaker  
After I would say, being sick in bed for about a week, feverish, I'm having a lot of pain. I'm no longer on antibiotics. I started to recover somewhat, but I still had really, really specific, localized pain in my legs. And this was different than the first time I had covid. This is different than any other type of illness that I had, and in retrospect, I didn't pay enough attention to it. I think once I felt well enough, I returned to work. I tried to return to what my life normally looked like, taking my dog for a walk in the morning, working a full day, cooking meals, cleaning the house, spending time with friends, normal. That's what normal looked like for me, but I was taking ibuprofen three or four times a day just to try to manage this pain that I was feeling. And after three or four weeks of that, I knew something was wrong, and so I returned to the doctor, who said it can take time. It can take weeks for you to recover from a covid infection, come back in four weeks if you're still not better. And so after four more weeks, I still wasn't better, and I returned to the doctor. This point, I was still operating with a lot of pain. This pain was unrelenting. I woke up in the morning with my legs in pain. I worked at a desk all day and was in pain. I was no longer able to walk my dog. I couldn't go to the grocery store. Things that had normally felt so easy, so easy that I didn't even think about them. I couldn't do anymore, like standing to maybe prepare a meal, or, like, carrying a load of laundry from one floor of my house to the next. In retrospect, I was very, very sick, but I was still working, seeing friends, trying to maintain some sense of normalcy. And also I was trying to get some help from a doctor, primary care doctor, who really just continued to tell me, like, Well, yeah, like, we're now at eight weeks after infection, reaching this, like, longer, Long Haul covid territory. But there wasn't really guidance on what to do, other than this might get better. Your body just needs time. And so I really continued to operate at that in that deficit for weeks and then months, things weren't getting better. I still was just really trying to survive, working, trying to maintain some sense of social life and everything else pretty much fell off like my fiance at the time. Now, husband carried my load where I couldn't, so he picked up all the dog walking, grocery shopping, preparing meals, cleaning the house, laundry, like you, name it. I couldn't do it. I. I was really just working, because I could still physically sit at a desk and work. I didn't have like cognitive dysfunction from my infection, and so it was really just the physicality of my life dropped off. And so I'm so grateful for the support that he provided, and I really don't know how I would have managed without him. And eventually I would say, maybe this is three or four months after my infection, I returned to a functional medicine doctor local to Seattle, who I had worked with previously. I'd worked with this doctor previously, through some gastrointestinal issues a year or two prior, and I returned to this doctor, confused, lost, so scared, and she provided like a beacon of hope for me and I continue to see this functional medicine doctor Today, it felt so comforting and so good to see a doctor who was well versed in like a very new disease or illness, a doctor who specializes in chronic and complex care, and a doctor who didn't just look at one symptom in my body, but looked at like my whole body and what had been happening previously with my gastrointestinal issues and now what was happening in my body. And so I started seeing that doctor very regularly, and our goal at the time was to try to support my body and its mitochondrial function try to support and reduce the chronic pain I was feeling in my legs and the chronic fatigue I was experiencing Absolutely I was having post exertion malaise crashes, like at that time I was just living in a post exertion malaise crash. And so started on a series of supplements to try to support my mitochondrial health, did a series of nutritional IVs. I feel like those were hopeful for me, because I started to feel a little bit better the day after an IV, and when you're so so sick, any little bit of improvement, any little bit of relief, it's just so so monumental. And to know that I had this doctor who believed me, who listened to me, who felt like they could support me, was really, really important thing for me in my healing journey. Yet I was still really just struggling, really just surviving, working, not doing a whole lot else, absolutely relying on my partner, Jake, around the house, really not sharing with a lot of folks about what was happening. And I think a big challenge of Long Haul covid, specifically, is how it can present as an invisible illness. So to the outside world, I still looked the same. Mostly, I told my close circle why I couldn't do specific things, like, oh, I can't go on a hike with you. I can't go skiing this season. So I gave some pretty non descriptor reasons why I couldn't do things, but I absolutely was not sharing really with anyone, like, how poorly I was doing. And I've been in talk therapy for years, and it was so overwhelming that, like anytime I thought about my health, I just cried like it was hard to face the overwhelm that I felt, and really, really hard to face the fear that I might never get better. And I do think that was one of the scariest parts of the illness, that there was no timeline, there was no, you know, one thing that was guaranteed to help me, and there was no guarantee that I would ever get better. And so sitting in that, being in that struggling day to day and not knowing like when I would get better, was really, really hard, but I really just kept my head down and sort of tried to move forward. Kept a lot of what I was struggling with to myself, and that didn't help, like, that instinct to try to, like, figure it out on my own, to not want to burden others like that was the wrong that was the wrong move, and I can see that so clearly now, but when I was in it, it was just so hard to face on my own, to let alone try to explain it to others. And I do think that was a really big part of I didn't get better for so long, because I just kept it to myself, and I while I was trying to. Help myself working with a functional medicine doctor, trying different supplements, trying different protocols, I was not facing my fears.

Jackie Baxter  
It's so difficult, isn't it, you know, I always thought it was like a trait from the UK to sort of internalize everything, and I think it is, but it's not just us that does it. And you know, if, for me, it was that, you know, I've always been very independent. I've always just got stuff done, you know, I've always been very active. And as you say, this kind of like you fall into this world where there's no spreadsheet, there's no flow chart, there's no sort of diagnosis that is useful in that it gives you a treatment plan and a timeline. And that is absolutely terrifying, but also it's very difficult to sort of face that. So I think it is that very sort of natural reaction to sort of shut it all down, you know, get away from the pain, you know, let's pack our way through this kind of thing. Except, you know, if we don't face up to things, then they kind of come back to bite us in the butt afterwards.

Theresa Aristarco  
Yes, and things really came to head for me at the end of 2023 into 2024 so this point I had been very sick for almost a year, and some stuff happened at work that really put things into perspective for me. And I realized suddenly, clearly I have been giving all of the energy I have into my job because I have been able to do that one thing. Then again, so much of my life disappeared almost immediately, working and working for a company that I felt proud to work for in a role I was really proud to have like that was the thing I could still do, and yet my pendulum swung too far in that direction. And so I realized, like, if I'm going to get better, I have to reprioritize where I'm spending my energy. And I entered 2024 with like, a singular goal, to get better, and maybe like you, when I set my mind to something, I will achieve it. And I started a lot of other healing modalities. One that made the biggest difference for me was physical therapy. And I started at a local clinic that has a really fantastic integrated model. They have physical therapists on staff, massage therapists on staff, nutritionists as well as personal trainers and like a fitness arm of this business. And so I started there. I was there three times a week, two times a week. I was there for physical therapy, one time a week I was there for massage therapy. I found that showing up for myself and continuing to show up consistently trying to push myself, little by little, I started to see improvements. My confidence started to grow too because I had so much health related anxiety. I'll also say like I have struggled with anxiety since I was a child, but this was a new format. It was a lot of obsessing around, how do I feel today? From the moment I wake up, what do my oura ring stats say today? How many steps have I walked today? Where's my threshold where, if I cross, I will start to experience pain? What did my stats say yesterday? What do I want them to say tomorrow? A lot of fear based decision making and a lot of what started as protective mechanisms to try to help myself not experience pain quickly, I think, became obsessiveness around my physical body, the physical sensations, what I was feeling, what I wasn't feeling, and why physical therapy, and the physical therapists at this clinic specifically think, listen to me, believed me, And at the same time, tried to push me. And with consistency, I started to be able to do, like more reps in physical therapy. I started to have less pain, my confidence grew. And as I got a little bit better, a little bit better, that really gave me so much optimism and hope and that this time I was still working closely with my functional medicine doctor. I tapered off the supplements because I felt like they weren't making a huge difference. Tried some prescriptions like low dose. Track zone. LDN, I didn't have luck with that. I couldn't tolerate that medication, but was still really bolstered by the fact that, like, this doctor, is working with me to try to figure out where I may be able to, like, help support myself in my recovery. And as my confidence started to grow, I continued to really think about how much energy I was spending at work, and feeling like I wanted to repurpose that energy to continue to get better, and really coming to terms of like I need to step away from this job entirely if I want to get better. And I'm really, really grateful I was in a position to do that. I was fully supported by my then fiance, now husband, Jake, who was like, Yeah, quit your job. Like, absolutely, we want you to get better. Like, there's that's the goal. And so I did end up leaving my corporate career in April of 2024, so it's been a little bit over a year, and that was such a gift. And I'm so privileged to be able to have given that gift to myself, and I'm so grateful for the support that I received from, you know, my partner, my family, my friends and even my colleagues. At the time, because I didn't know if I would ever go back to that job. I didn't know what the next six months or a year would look like, but I still had the singular goal of, like, I want to get better, and I'm going to get better. It's starting to happen, and like, I'm no longer satisfied, like I want more. And so left my job and expected to have a restorative summer. Had a wedding. My own wedding, planned for August 2024 and this was, I think a really pivotal part of this, like singular goal for 2024 as well, like I wanted to be able to dance at my wedding, and I wanted to be able to enjoy a honeymoon afterwards traveling, and I did not know if I would be able to physically do those things. And that was such an overwhelming experience, such a devastating experience for someone who was young I'm like, relatively healthy to that point, who had never not been able to physically do what I wanted. And so I left my job and got worse almost immediately, and this was a new onset of symptoms, specifically vestibular system issues. So the vestibular system controls, like your balance, um, it has to do with, like the way that your brain relates, you know, information that's coming through your eyes, or, like the balancing mechanisms within your ears. And so I had a series of vertigo episodes. I couldn't look at screens anymore, I couldn't read, I couldn't drive. And so this was incredibly overwhelming and really, really peaked this health related anxiety I mentioned because I was like, wait a minute, I've been getting better. I feel like I've been doing everything in my power to try to get better. And here I am. I have this new onset of symptoms now I have to go to a different physical therapist, and I can't read, or I can't drive, like what I'm going to do, in some ways, I'm really grateful This happened after I left my job, because I wouldn't have been able to work, and at the same time, I was so overwhelmed because I thought I would continue to get better and that I wouldn't get worse.

Jackie Baxter  
That must have been devastating to have, like, done all the right things, left your job, given yourself the space, and then the body goes, gotcha. Like that must have been horrific.

Theresa Aristarco  
It was, it was, and it's why I think my health related anxiety, yes, reached a fever pitch. I was like, How could this be happening? Like you just said, I'm doing all the right things. I am lost. How could this be happening? And I had a panic attack for the first time in many years, and that was an inflection point for sure, and an inflection point for my husband. Specifically. He was my fiance. Then he's my husband. Now we've been together for a long time. He knows me very well. He's known and seen my history with anxiety. He, of course, lives with me, helped me through the different stages of this long haul illness, and he sat me down after this panic attack, and was like, okay, you've done all the right things. You don't have this job tied behind anymore. You're really taking care of your physical health, and like, we need to take a look at your mental health, because that is the piece that I know you have not been able to address or that you have been avoiding. And it was a really, really pivotal moment for me, and I'm so grateful he sat down and had that hard conversation with me, because he was right. Right? So, really bizarre experience to have someone see you so clearly and maybe see what you've been avoiding or you haven't been able to look at and really strong insight on his part of like the mental health piece is the blocker now, and we're eight weeks away from our wedding, and you are really not okay, and something needs to be done, like, urgently. And that conversation was unlike any other we've had in our relationship. It definitely sort of put into perspective, like, oh yeah, like, there's more to be done here. And on one hand, that was devastating, because I'm doing all this work. I'm trying really hard, in some ways, I'm so proud of the progress. And then here's this other monster to address, in fact, maybe the thing that needed to be addressed the entire time. And so I quickly got in touch with my therapist, my functional medicine doctor, my primary care doctor, and I started an SSRI about eight weeks before our wedding, and I, as I mentioned, have dealt with anxiety my whole life, but have never been on an anti anxiety or an antidepressant medication. Was open to it. I think previously, had figured out ways to manage my anxiety, talk therapy as an example, physical movement as an example, but this was to a point that I couldn't use the tools that I had been able to use previously. And the SSRI was a massive, massive moment in my recovery. I think I saw rather quickly how dark things were. It was like stepping into sunlight for the first time. And so very quickly, how much the anxiety I was holding, the health anxiety I was holding, was impacting my day to day. And this was a pretty high risk, high reward kind of thing, because it can take time to figure out the right dosage and the right medication. And I'm I'm grateful that I had success rather quickly, because it was, frankly, night and day and really illuminating to me now, in retrospect, how much of my long haul covid recovery was mental, and in listening to other episodes on your podcast, I see that to be a common thread for folks focusing a lot on, like physical symptoms, physical recovery, and maybe knowing that there's a mental piece there, and then realizing how much that mind body connection can be present and can be impactful. And it took me, like, a year or year and a half of really being sick to get there.

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah. I mean, it's amazing, isn't it? I mean, you know, the debate of mental versus physical health when let's let's not go there, but I think what again, you know, my mental health suffered hugely while I was unwell. And again, I don't think I gave it enough attention, you know, it was like, well, because this is physical like, mental health doesn't really matter, you know, or it's secondary, or, you know, all of that sort of stuff. And it's like, well, even if that were true, mental health is still important. And you know, we know that our body and our mind are so connected. So you know, even if you couldn't do anything about the physical symptoms, then the mental symptoms are still hugely important. And of course, they do connect as well. So, you know, untreated mental health is is not not a good thing. And I think you know, it's whether the anxiety or whatever mental struggles someone is going through, whether they are something that pre existed long covid, or whether there's something that were a symptom of long covid, or whether they were a sort of secondary reaction to the symptoms. It sort of doesn't matter. It's still something that is worth addressing, and you know, that will help on some level. And of course, in your sort of situation, it helped a lot. So, you know, it's one of these things that really angers me, how mental health is still so dismissed when it is such a huge thing for everybody, and it's this kind of it's still a bit taboo, isn't it? And it's like it's 2025, how is mental health still to be? But it is.

Theresa Aristarco  
It can be. I really can't overstate the sort of step change I experienced when I started an SSRI like I quickly gained. A lot of physical strength back. And I do think that had to do with like releasing some of the health anxiety I was exp experiencing, and having more confidence in my body and the progress and the work I had put in, I could physically do a lot more. I suddenly had a lot more capacity, and I slowly saw parts of my life before my long haul illness return, and it was beautiful, like I can really distinctly remember when Jake and I went to the grocery store together for the first time, and it still brings like tears to my eyes to think about that moment when we came home from the grocery store. This was something we had done so many times pre illness. We came home and we looked at each other and we just cried, because this was like a thing I couldn't do before, and I was able to do it, and I was able to do it without fear. I was able to do it without, like, meticulously planning what might need to happen before or after. It was like things started to feel less threatening, more achievable, like I could walk to the coffee shop a few blocks away and again, not worry about what might need to happen before or after to make that happen. Like all of the mental gymnastics, all of those fear based decisions I was making, like they just kind of quieted and slowed down, and I could, like, really, finally, think about my health and talk about it without sobbing and without feeling so overwhelmed. I was able to go, like, deeper in therapy. I think I was able to actually address what was happening under the surface. I had a lot of shame and fear that, like, my body and my spirit were so broken and, like, maybe unrecoverable and that I might never experience a full recovery, it was like a massive, massive fear. And it's only been recently, almost two more than two years later, that I have started to say, like, I'm not sick anymore, and really, like, the more that I accepted all of those feelings that I had, like, the less power they held over me, and the more I just continued to recover. And then maybe the last piece I'll say that was so pivotal for me, was like talking with other people about what was happening. So like, when I talked more openly and honestly with my friends, my family members and even some former colleagues about like, what I had been going through. I think people were very, very surprised, because to the outside, maybe to everyone except for Jake, I was okay ish, and every time I shared what I had experienced with someone, I learned something in return. And it was like, weirdly comforting to know that, like, everyone had something they were struggling with, and I heard just over and over how much people knew what I had been going through so that they could help me. And, you know, I felt like so deeply connected to friends and family after these kinds of conversations, so like, loved and cared for, and for the first time in a really long time, like not alone, because I had been in isolation for so long. It's like self made isolation, and all of that was so pivotal. Like, I always say that my biggest takeaways from this entire experience are like, I was never going to get better alone, and even though I have this fierce and pendant trick, as you do, like my support system was everything, and I was never going to get better alone, and I needed help from family, friends, my partner, doctors, therapists, like everybody I needed. And if I had only let myself receive that help earlier, and then the other thing I've really taken away is like, progress isn't linear, recovery isn't linear, you know, it's as frustrating as it can feel. It's not like up into the right it was very swirly and back and forth, and it was extremely, extremely frustrating. But you know, those are takeaways and lessons that, like, will never leave me. I have just such a strikingly different perspective now about, like, what matters in my life, and it's my health, it's my community. It is having, like, you know, a healthy body and being able to do what I want with that healthy body. And so I am really so grateful to feel better now, and as I said, I'm starting to I'm only recently starting to say like I'm better. I was able to dance on my wedding night. I was able to enjoy a honeymoon. We traveled for three weeks in Scandinavia, and it was such a incredible experience to have after being so sick for so long and seeing like my my health return and my spark return, and my energy return, and my like happiness, my like have me return because I was away for a long time. Um. Yeah. And you know, as I continue to sort of try new things, return to things, like I got back on skis for the first time in a couple of years, I'm able to hike. I played tennis for the first time in many, many years, just this weekend. Like, as I continue to do new and harder things, lifting heavier weights, taking longer walks, just doing more things. Physically, I still continue to experience that like, increase in confidence, increase in my like, belief that my body is strong and safe and as I'm able to do more and more without pain, without that very specific leg pain, which was with me for a long time, without experiencing post exertion, malaise crashes, that has given me the confidence, and I think the belief, to start to say, like, I'm not sick anymore.

Jackie Baxter  
It's like confidence breeds confidence, isn't it, almost. And you know, it's not as simple as, like, fake it till you make it. But there is, there is some, some element of that, I think, and I loved what you were saying about the kind of what a person who hadn't experienced something like this would say were, like silly things. So, like, I went to the grocery store, and it was the best experience of my week. You know, you or I, before this experience, would have laughed, you know, like, what the grocery store is a chore that you have to do, like, that's not that exciting. But when you come through something like this, and you're able to start doing quote, unquote silly little things, again, they are the best things in the world. And I think it really just shows the importance of those little wins. You know, however small those wins are, it's so important to celebrate them, because it's another tick. You know, my body did that, and it worked, and I didn't get pain afterwards. My body did that, and I didn't crash after that. And, like, really focusing on the wins, I think is so important. However, like silly, they seem, it's wonderful. And you know, your your point about the sort of connection as well, I think, you know, I can't remember who said it, but there was someone that said to me that true connection is found through vulnerability. And it sounds like that really is what you experienced. You know that you had those connections with your doctor and your partner and, you know other people, but it was when you really allowed yourself to be vulnerable and kind of open yourself up to them, that was where you got kind of the biggest rewards and the biggest connection. And we know, of course, how important connection is to our health, you know, that social connection that we have to have in order to be regulated healthy beings. So that's such a beautiful example of that, isn't it? I think so. It sounds like, you know, you found your way through. You know, you found the functional medicine doctor, and you you started doing physical therapy, and you sort of started piecing together your recovery, of all these sort of, like different bits, I suppose, pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that were unique to you. And you found your your path through. And you sort of said that you almost were too scared, I think maybe to sort of announce that you were recovered. Because for me, I didn't want to say anything, because I didn't want to jinx it. You know, it's like, as soon as I say it, it's out there, and then if it isn't true, then I've failed. And there's obviously some some stuff going on for me, but I sort of had to have a bit of time where I could be kind of just myself and a bit confident and build some of that before I was able to sort of stand up and say, Yes, I am there. But then for me, even after that, there was still that kind of like, okay, well, I'm recovered, but that doesn't mean that my fitness is back to what it was before. You know, for me, recovery was that I could put myself in the position where I could regain that fitness. It still then took time to sort of reintegrate into what the world was. And for me, I found that a very, very strange experience. And I would really interested to kind of see how that was for you. You know, especially as you kind of mentioned that you had a sort of similar experience with the "I don't want to say anything. I don't want to say"

Theresa Aristarco  
So a few things come to mind, I think, when I began physical therapy. So this is the beginning of 2024 that was an important milestone, because it meant I had enough gas in the tank just to get there. I needed, like, you know, almost a full year just to get to physical therapy, both mentally and physically, as I started to be able to do a. Little bit more, a little bit more, and my confidence grew. That was really important. I made a transition at the beginning of 2025 from physical therapy into personal training, all at the same clinic. And so that for me, I think, was another milestone of I am sort of graduated from the program that was gonna take me from depleted back to baseline, maybe. And now I see a personal trainer once a week, and the goal is to, like, get strong. And so we're lifting. We're working on, like, strength and mobility. It is all about like, how I want my body to feel and what I want to be capable of, and nothing about what my body looks like, and the thought that I'm not sick anymore is so recent, like within the last six or eight weeks, my husband, Jake and I took a incredible two week trip to Japan in May, The last two weeks of May, and we walked incredible amount during that trip, like 15,000 steps a day for, I think, 10 out of 14 days of that trip. And that was the most I have physically done in years, like, I would say, probably since before the pandemic began. And I did that without pain in my legs. I did that without any sort of post exertion, malaise, crash, and I didn't think that much about the trip beforehand, which is just another like, sort of win for me, because there was no like, aggressive planning about, like, what are we going to do on what day and what I'm you know, how am I going to handle this? I just did it, and I did it almost without repercussion. And that, I think, was the first moment, and that was about six weeks ago, where I thought to myself, maybe I'm not sick anymore, to the point where I was like, What is going on in Japan? How do I replicate this in the United States? Because, like, this is really fabulous. I'm able to do so much physically, and perhaps it's part of the, you know, the mindset of being on vacation, low stress, no expectations. But I came back from that trip and I started to say, I think I might not be sick anymore. And there have been some moments or wins since then, like, I went on a seven mile hike with my husband. I haven't hiked that long again since before the pandemic, another moment where I was able to do something and not experience pain and not experience a crash and not have major anxiety ahead of it, and realizing, like I did, that my body did that again. Like I think I might not be sick anymore. Couple of weeks back, I planned a day for myself, or I went for a hike in the morning with my dog. I worked on the beach in the afternoon, I took myself to yoga class. Next day, no pain, no crash. Another moment where I'm like, damn, I might not be sick anymore. And so as I continue to have these moments where I don't experience pain, I don't experience a crash, I gain more confidence in saying to myself into a world I might not be sick anymore. And it's this big identity shift, because I've been sick for so long, for so long, and I'm very different now, like my priorities are different, the work I do is different. How I lead my life is different than it was a few years back. What I care about is different. What matters to me is different. And it's a little bit scary to step into that new identity of, I'm not sick anymore. There is nothing holding me back, and it's also very exciting, like I have a big smile on my face, because if nothing's holding me back, like, look out, look out world. It's still, you know, a little bit scary to say. I'm not sick anymore. I'm only very recently starting to think that or feel that, or have the confidence to say it, to try to understand what it means. But when I think back to the months, the year or more I spent not knowing if I would ever get better and to know I'm there now, like the biggest win of all time.

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, it's like there are no words, really to describe that feeling. It's funny how some people have that kind of like baboom recovery moment. And it sounds like sort of for you, you had that very sort of slow burn, slow burn, slow burn, and then, like a sort of like light bulb switching on kind of thing, almost, and and how it just kind of manifested in you, and it's such a weird feeling, isn't it? And I think it's just it's a conversation that's very difficult to have, with people who haven't had an experience that's similar, and with people who have not yet recovered because you're stepping into. To a new world as a new person. And it's both, you know, you described it exactly how I felt. It as that kind of both terrifying and also the most exciting feeling in the world. It's like I could do anything, oh, my goodness, I could do anything that's terrifying, you know, and kind of rebuilding your life, but in the way that you want to. And I very much resonated with what you said about the, you know, life being different. And for me, life is better. And, you know, I think that's one of the, you know, the gifts you could say, you know, it was an absolutely horrendous experience to go through. So for me, I have to take something from it, and that is that it's, it's, you know, it's made me a better person and a healthier person and a happier person. So, you know, it's, it's really challenging, I think, for people who haven't recovered yet to kind of get that, but just to know that it's a freaking awesome feeling when you make it and it's worth those tiny little wins, building up and up and up and up and keeping going even when it feels impossible, because when you get there, there are No words.

Theresa Aristarco  
Yeah, I think optimism and hope is was so important for me, and at times, was really hard to find. Started with the functional medicine doctor, seeing like, oh, this person might be able to help me. And it started, you know, within myself, of, oh, I can do physical therapy, and I can do a little bit more, and I'm not as sick, but when you're in, it is so hard. It is so hard. When you're in, it so frustrating, so devastating, so exhausting. Yeah, that is just such a hard place to be.

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. And I think, you know, one of the important things for me was to acknowledge that actually sometimes, you know, right now, everything feels really shit, you know, let's not dismiss that. Okay, we've had that moment. Let's find a breathing exercise, but finding those kind of sources of hope, whether it's a doctor or a practitioner or whoever it is, that person who believes you, that person who is able to say, well, we could try this. How about that? And that first thing that helps, you know that's there's so much power in that, isn't it? And you know it's different for each individual person, but everyone has their version of that thing. You know, for you, it was your functional medicine doctor. For me, it was breathing. For other people, it may be any number of other things, but it's, it's like that, that first thing that gets you on the ladder kind of thing, isn't it? 

Theresa Aristarco  
Absolutely, and it might even be like hearing someone else's story, not feeling so alone, or knowing that someone out there has an idea of what you're going through. 

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, absolutely. So maybe just to finish what I mean, you've maybe answered this already, but I'll ask you again anyway, because it's a nice way to finish. What advice would you give yourself, sort of, when you're earlier in your journey? What would Theresa of two years ago needed to hear

Theresa Aristarco  
It's emotional thinking about it. I would love to tell her where we are now and that we're better. Not only that, like our physical symptoms have recovered, and our mental health is better, but like that, we're better than ever before, exactly what you said, like that, as shitty and as horrific this entire experience has been like this will strangely be one of the best things that has ever happened to you. So keep going.

Jackie Baxter  
Theresa, thank you so much for coming along and sharing your story and putting yourself through that again, reliving it all to give us all some hope. So thank you so much. I'm so excited to see where you go next and what life looks like for you. So thank you.

Theresa Aristarco  
Thank you too, Jackie. These are really happy tears because I am just so grateful for where I am now, and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to share with you and share with listeners.